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And something in between...
Corn on the Jobs
Used by permission from GDJ via Pixabay
I already know this is a longer read. So you better get started. 🙂
I like technology. Call me a geek, and I will not take offense. I am an early adopter, a shut-up-and-take-my-money sellout, and a diehard tech enthusiast. I do have my preferences though; I do not accept everything carte blanche. Just as with anything else:
- Some people prefer gourmet food; I prefer Taco Bell
- Some people like cats; I prefer animals that have souls and that do not secretly plot my demise
- Some people listen to Michael Bolton; I prefer actual music that is not pleading and screaming and that is actual music.
In terms of technology, I prefer Apple. Presently, we are proud owners of seven thousand nine hundred and twenty-eight Apple devices. I will be buying AirTags to locate my AirTags. Long ago I hearkened unto the serpent and bit into the Apple, and I have been hooked ever since. I have had every model of the iPhone since the 3G. In the magical words of the "insanely great" Steve Jobs:
I left that blank because Steve Jobs died and does not say words. However, when he had the power of speech, he would say “It just works.” Of course, he also said plenty of mean things, all available from your friendly neighborhood CNET.
Steve Jobs was unique. His reputation for niceness was stellar. By stellar, I mean stab-you-in-the-neck-and-spit-in-your-ears-while-calling-you-Cindy-even-though-your-name-is-Hank...stellar. His unique style of brazen honesty and jerkitude could reduce grown men to tears. Not me though. I never cry. Except when sad.
Despite what a job he was, Steve will forever be remembered for introducing some of the most revolutionary tech ever, including the beloved iPhone. A close second would be The Lord God Almighty, who invented ice.
A Galaxy Full of Missing Apples
I have previously scribed about my love for iPhones. I was #1 in line for the new iPhone at the Alderwood Mall Apple Store sleepover for 5 years running. Sleeping over. Through the night. In the cold. In a sleeping bag. On a lawn chair.
Yes, that was me. I do not think it is entirely far-fetched to call me an Apple Sheep. Baaaa. However, I recently experienced a frustrating set of snafus that would set my love for Apple back a pace. Indeed, I almost left apple and went bananas. (Spoiler: orange you glad I ended up staying? It has been insanely grape since then.) #longlivedadjokes
I am not kidding when I say I had to place eight orders just to get my latest iPhone 13 Pro Max in Sierra Blue, which I would marry if Janine would let me. It is beautiful and functional, and it is my most meaningful possession behind my wedding ring and my house, which I would gladly sell to buy a new iPhone if I lost it. I have often joked with my wife that women are like iPhones:
- They are beautiful
- They help me stay on top of the things in my life
- If I do not give them power they will die. Janine is shaking her head reading this.
I recently placed my order for the new iPhone, and I waited. Yet just before shipping I saw that it had been inexplicably canceled without explanation, which is what inexplicably means. I was incredulous and could not believe it, which is what incredulous means. So I called Apple and they said something suspicious happened. I am glad they cleared that up because I was worried they were going to be vague. But it appeared my account was hacked and someone had changed the shipping address from Seattle WA to Conroe TX. Apple said I would need to place another order.
So I sighed, changed our Apple password, and I placed another order, although I would now not receive it at the same time as everyone else, which is a First World Entitlement Problem. A few days later, that order, too, was arbitrarily cancelled. Furious, I placed another one, and let the nice white bread American Apple support representative named Rash Hashimi Kadhimi Kadoudhy Eemy Hoomy have it. Rash Hashimi graciously lovingly encouraged me to stop talking about his mother like that by disconnecting from the call. This did not help matters, as I was then forced to place another order for the iPhone, and swear at the family dog since Rash Hashimi had bailed.
I went so far as to change our Apple ID, navigated through some further security steps, and placed another order…and another…and yet another. I was desperate. What was going on? Why were my orders being shot down? Was Alec Baldwin behind it? (Too soon?) I felt like the only way I could properly solve this dilemma was either by having a Masters in Engineering, or with a sledgehammer. Getting my replacement soon became an obsession. The iPhone was taken from me, and so I needed to recover what was never mine. My Keeping-up-with-the-Joneses was in full swing. I believe Apple stock tripled during this hullabaloo, which continued on until the year of our Lord 2158.
Finally I placed an order that I would instead elect to pick up, because apparently any iPhone I have shipped to me automatically goes to Conroe TX, which is exactly where I do not reside.
I picked up my iPhone in person, showed ID, and proved that I am in fact myself (I had been concerned), and left the Apple mall in disgruntled relief.
But next came the Apple Watch order issue. Same thing. Hacker. Apparently all it takes is to monitor someone’s account, see when the order has shipped, call UPS, tell them you are now living in Conroe TX and can they kindly redirect it there instead please. If only more people knew! I think I will try that when the new Lamborghini Aventadors are loaded on the UPS trucks and on their way to the dealerships.
Me: “Hello, UPS? Yes, please redirect my Lamborghini to Seattle Washington.”
UPS: “Sorry, and you are?”
Me: “Oh, I am the owner of that Lamborghini Aventador, but you see, I have moved to Seattle, Washington. Please have it shipped to me in Seattle, Washington, instead.
UPS: “I don’t understand – what is in Seattle, Washington?”
Me: “I am! Me. You have to keep up.”
UPS: “OK thank you for calling, we’ll just have it redirected to you then.”
Me: “Great, I really appreciate your help.”
UPS: “My pleasure. Is there anything else I can assist you with today?
Me: "Kindly pay all my future taxes."
UPS: "Wil do. Thanks for calling the UPS Evidenceless Redirection and Personal Tax Payment Department. Have a nice day!”
Me: *sits back and sips Margarita*
Seriously! Apparently that is all the hacker needed to do. All seemed well with my Watch order, until the day of its scheduled arrival. I was out at my son’s school when I received the UPS notice that it had been delivered. Yet there was no motion alert on our driveway Nest camera nor any alert from our Ring doorbell.
I checked Apple, and in reviewing my order history, it appears that my Watch was now merrily on its way to Conroe TX AGAIN. Apparently Conroe is where all hackers live, but the FBI does not know this yet because they are still climbing out from under the evidence on O.J. I promise to update them soon, but first, I needed to contact Apple again.
But they would not help me. The only thing they suggested was to place yet another order. I informed them that I was already a highly skilled ROOAP (Repeat Orderer Of Apple Products), but I still needed help because apparently all of Conroe was out to get me and steal my fruit.
After all the money I have spent on Apple, they would not help me. Was it too much to ask that they help me out with a free iPhone and Apple Watch for my troubles? So I got mad and decided to show that trillion dollar company who is boss. I prepared to swear off Apple and ordered a Samsung Galaxy Note S20 5G Ultra, which is a name you have to pause halfway through in order to take a nap. Heck, I figured: I have had Samsungs before: the Galaxy S2...the S2 Skyrocket...the S3. I actually like Android, and I think their phones are swell, provided they do not explode.
Lo and behold, I only had to place a single order and have it shipped to me, and it was not even redirected to Conroe TX, a city that only likes Apple. I unboxed it, and it was mine! And it was insanely great!
For about a half hour.
Try as I did, I just could not make myself love the Galaxy Note. I wanted to, believe me. It truly is a fantastic phone. But our entire family is enmeshed within the Apple ecosystem, and for all my frustration with Apple, their stuff just works. Thanks Steve. Plus, if I left, I would no longer be part of Team Blue. I may curse out Apple, but I had to admit I could not live without iMessage. I could sell my wedding ring, but I could not live without iMessage. And besides, if I switched away from iPhone, I would never have been able to enjoy one with a T-Rex tooth in it. Because...T-Rex Teeth.
Additionally, there are myriad ways that I keep my fingers on the pulse of my business, and maintain quick operations, with my iPhone. If I switched, it would hamper my progress and require a lot of time reprogramming a lot of essential functionalities. I do not have that kind of time.
The truth came calling when I found myself installing iPhone themes on the Note to make it look and act like an iPhone. Hello, epiphany. I realized then:
- what I really wanted was Apple, no matter how mad I was at Apple
- that I was settling for.
- that I was insisting on a vendetta that would only cause me grief.
- that I was about to write a blog containing the word "epiphany".
I returned it, and went back to Apple. Fortunately, I had kept my iPhone all this time.
It never felt so good in my hands.
Used by permission from qimono via Pixabay
“Josh”, you say, “what is all this about anyway? Why do you bring up this whole silly affair?” Well, it is not silly, and your face is an affair.
I was frustrated. I do not want anyone else to have to deal with such rigmarole and make such silly impulsive decisions. We need to be decisive, and not waffle.
As voice talent, there are myriad tech issues that we must confront each day, from purchasing, to operations, to management of existing hardware and software, to computer security. It is not just about recording good audio.
I was trying to teach Apple a point and threaten a defection that would not make the smallest ripple in their pond. I needed to get back to understanding why things fell apart in the first place.
So, as a business owner who needs to use a computer, I advise the following, for all of us:
- Be careful what we do online.
- Make sure we order only what we truly need, not just what we want.
- Protect our passwords.
- Frequently change our login information. By this I do not mean using the username Username and the password Password.
- In all our hardware and software and conference buying, protect our credit card info.
- "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Stick with what works.
- Redirect our focus back to what truly matters. Do not become obsessed and spin your wheels.
- And stop ordering Apple products until everyone has moved out of Conroe TX.
If you truly need something, order it, with all the previous considerations in mind. Just as long as you do not live in Conroe, you should be fine, as it will probably end up in Seattle anyway.
And if you need any help, I will be in my Lamborghini.
YOU HAVE MADE IT ALL THE WAY TO THE END, AND I SALUTE YOU.
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Seattle Voice Actor & Voiceover Artist for hire