Whaddaya Know? I’m Omniscient.

I know everything! (Because, uh, that is what omniscient means...)

informationpower

 

"Why?"

Question Marks, Punctuation, Symbol, Sign, Help

Used with permission from PublicDomainPictures via Pixabay

 

I have a 5-year-old.   His favorite question is “Why?” to absolutely everything these days, which A) requires that I give an answer, and B) means that I should do well on a witness stand because by now I am accustomed to being assaulted by a barrage of questions.

  • "Why can’t I have this?"
  • "Why does that work that way?"
  • "Why do I have to wait?"
  • "Why does he do that?"
  • "Why is it not time for a movie?"
  • "Why are you brandishing that chainsaw?"
  • "What does brandish mean?"
  • "Can I have a chainsaw for Christmas?"
  • "Where are you going?"

This New And Delightful Habit of Inquisition has required a bit of a change in our home.  Ergo, my son's name is no longer Brennan; to me, he is now The Questioner.  I even thought of Googling why he does this, but asking "Why do children ask why?" seems redundantly inappropriate, like asking a clerk to help me find the Self-Help section.

These days, The Questioner will approach me with an inquiry of “Why?” to absolutely everything.  To protect my sanity - oh and also to have a smidge of fun - I have been taking creative license in how I respond.  I cite the following examples:

 

  • Me: “Don’t eat those berries or you will die.”
  • The Questioner: “Why?”
  • Me: “Because I will kill you for disobedience in eating the berries I told you not to eat.”

Or…

  • Me: “We can’t have those yet because we are eating dinner soon.”
  • The Questioner: “Why?”
  • Me: “I have already provided a ‘because’ answer. Your question has all the hallmarks of redundancy.”
  • The Questioner: “Why?”
  • Me: “This conversation has grown tiresome.”
  • The Questioner: “Why?”
  • Me: *searches for gag, tape, and Children’s Benadryl*

Or...

  • The Questioner: “Dada why is your tummy so big?”
  • Me: *sizes The Questioner up for a coffin*

Or…

  • The Questioner: “Can we go to Fred Meyer and get a toy please?”
  • Me: “No, honey, you do not need a toy. But thank you for saying 'please.'”
  • The Questioner: “Why?”
  • Me: "Because 'please' is a great word for manners."
  • The Questioner: "No, Dada, I know that. I mean why don't I need a toy?"
  • Me: “Because, honey, don’t you remember? If you acquire too many toys, then the Toy Monster comes out from under your bed at night and peels back your face and sucks out the part of your brain that likes toys and cookies and cake, leaving you only with the part of your brain that obediently cleans the house and eats Brussels Sprouts. Then they smear you with meat and put your bed outside with you in it to attract the coyotes. Remember?”
  • The Questioner: *mouth agape*

 

I am kidding. I think any parent who has read any of my blogs knows full well that I, like them, love my children implicitly and would never harm them to the point of my getting caught.  HA!  But while I have found that many questions can be answered logically and fairly, it is far more enjoyable to provide answers that evoke monsters and sheer terror.

 

Information Is Power

Businessman, Production Planning, Steering

Used with permission from geralt via Pixabay

 

This is Brennan's "Heh???" face when he does not understand, and needs to know something now.

brennanheh

You see, “why?” is a huge question with all kinds of possible responses.  “Because I said so” is my all-time favorite, although this answer has proven incredibly ineffective at pacifying The Questioner.  It is however incredibly effective at eliciting eye-rolls and sighs, so I should be properly prepared for when he reaches teenagerdom.

For now, The Questioner is now at the age where everything must be explained.  He is, frankly, "WhyNet."  He has become self-aware!  And he will soon obtain the nuclear launch codes and destroy us all, building cybernetic organisms with fleshy exteriors that hunt us down if our name is Sarah Conner.  His little brain is developing at exponentially increasing speeds, and he is acquiring new knowledge and explanations in order to understand the meaning of life.  Apparently answers such as “Eating Chick-Fil-A” are unsatisfactory to him.

What I have realized however, in this period of questioning by The Questioner, is that I evidently know everything.  Stay with me here; I am not being braggadocios.  The truth is that he continues to come to me, because I deliver.   I am, in fact, omniscient.  I'm a genius!  Just ask me.  I have discovered, time and time again, that in the many questions that he posits every day, I actually have the answer.  It is amazing!  And it is a logical answer!  Most times, it is even correct!  I blow myself away at how omniscient I actually am, and I expect to receive some kind of award soon.

Secret cobweb-covered vaults of locked-away knowledge attained way back in third-grade are suddenly resurrected in my amygdala in order for me to proudly present them to my son, to impress and inform.  (Nah, just impress.)  I find impossible questions such as “Dada, where is Heaven?” and “Dada, how do birdies fly?” and “Dada, where do hamburgers come from?” simply delightful.  This last one is especially provocative, because it allows both of us to direct our attention to YouTube videos of cows being slaughtered, which is great fun for a five-year-old.  ("Cue "Beef: it’s what’s for dinner" here.)

It will only be a matter of time before the subject of how babies are made comes up.  I plan to be in Yemen so that he can ask his mother instead.

But the fact remains: I am incredibly omniscient.  And awesome.  And very handsome.

It is no surprise, really: voice actors are incredible.  Let us look at the definition of voice actor as cited by the_vintage_voice on Instagram, along with the accompanying picture:

 

Noun /vois ‘akter/

The best kind of person, usually known for their exceptional wit, beauty and intelligence.

voiceover coffee mug

 

So you see now that it stands to reason that I know everything.  It is my job to know everything.  I will rue the day when my son posits the following query, “Dada, what does posit the following query mean?”  To which I will have no answer and will need to look up the meaning of ‘posit’ and ‘query.’  I am in Yemen often.

Information truly is power.  Though my brain power continues to decrease each day by virtue of being surrounded by strong cellular and WIFI signals - and I just watched C-SPAN for ten minutes - I find that it is actually pleasant to be omniscient.  Or, well, at least to have my son think I am omniscient.  I am still working on my wife, who continues to wear her “I don’t need Google; my husband knows everything” T-Shirt.

 

Voiceovers and Omniscience

Mind, Brain, Mindset, Perception, Intelligence, Think

Used with permission from johnhain via Pixabay

 

Winston Churchill said, “The most important thing about education is appetite.”  So here are some questions, Oh Thrice-Beloved, Worthy and All-Knowing Voiceover Artist:

  • Are you hungry for knowledge?
  • Do you know enough to get you by?
  • Do you know just enough to make you dangerous?
  • Are you staying true to proven techniques in voiceovers?
  • Are you willing to take courses to improve your business acumen?
  • Can you learn more about how to deliver a great voiceover?
  • Do you think you know everything already?
  • Are you willing to continue coaching?
  • Wanna watch some cows getting slaughtered on YouTube?

John Wooden said, “It’s what you learn after you know it all that counts.”  I do not know about you.  I just know about myself and The Questioner.  We need to continue to ask questions in order to continue to grow.  Otherwise, we rot.  It really is that simple.

The awesome truth of the matter is that sometimes, when Brennan asks questions, I find that I discover the answers with him as I stumble along.  In fact I am just waiting for someone around me to be impressed and swoon.  I will soon have business cards made: "Joshua Alexander: Omniscient Knower of Things."

Benjamin Disraeli said “To be conscious that you are ignorant of the facts is a great step to knowledge.”  I agree.  Many times I am finding everything out with The Questioner, learning as I go.

Other times I am in Yemen.

 

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Joshua Alexander
Seattle Voice Actor & Voiceover Artist for hire
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16 thoughts on “Whaddaya Know? I’m Omniscient.”

  1. LOL this was one of your funniest ones yet! Haha – I remember these days well; my kiddos would NOTFREAKINGSTOPASKINGWHY!!!!!!!!!!! Oi vei – wanted to ship ’em off to a carnival sometimes, freak shows! Thanks for the Monday laughs Josh…and the encouragement to keep learning.

  2. As the very experienced (insert sarcasm here) parent of 5 including an 18 year who figured out a long time ago that I don’t know everything I can promise you this- it’s okay to say “I don’t know, let’s find out together”. It stops the “why” train in its tracks and derails it to great times discovering together. This is easier for the parents of today than it was when my 18 year old was 3…google wasn’t as omniscient as it is now…and YouTube videos of cows being slaughtered wasn’t on the table (thank goodness). But all joking aside, teaching your child that you are willing to admit that you don’t know exactly why the sky is blue, and are excited to learn the answer with them? That encourages them to continue to ask you questions, which is the beginning of real communication that results in amazing conversations as they age. You’re a great dad Josh! Keep it up!

    1. Why thank you! I completely spaced on including this aspect in the blog (probably in the name of preserving my reputation for omniscience) – but there are definitely times where I do not know the answer and we DO get to find it out together. Just the other day, Brennan asked, “Dada, how do I make a neutron bomb?” To which I replied, “I don’t know, son, but let’s find out together!” Yay! #parentingwin

  3. I wasn’t aware of it, but I too once bore the same title! I had a real concern about salvation (our church didn’t really know how to preach it tbh, not to their discredit, explained later). I don’t remember all my questions like why the sky is blue, but I do remember often asking: “Does this help you get to Heaven?” lol. Spiritually philosophical from a very young age!

    So, the church wasn’t bad, but it’s one of those churches that don’t do alter calls and says you need to receive JESUS into your heart, but the HOLY SPIRIT is basically taboo. Not out of the question, just “him we do not speak of”, lol. Scripture says that they who are led by the SPIRIT of GOD are the sons of GOD – so you will always feel like you’re not quite there in that situation, no matter how much worship you sing or not break your brother’s toys by accident. Was really by accident, LOL, but it did happen a lot unfrotunately. Lot’s of “good works” in that church, so again, not a “bad” church, but VERY lacking; was the state of the church in the country at the time.

    I do differ in two more ways from The Questioner:
    1) The follower – I would follow my parents around until I either got the answer or got whatever it was that I was asking for and was granted approval for (application forms still in the scrapbook, hehe).
    2) The restful – I was satisfied if I got an answer (especially if included with the statement) – didn’t even have to be complex. I even tried to teach myself how to write at one point. I knew that my name started with an M, but we went XCP1CA = JEEP from there – the bedside table still showed it, where I tried to eloquently script my name in the door.

    I feel his pain and I feel yours too, hahaha.

    Yeah, on the cow question – yeah no. I still love beef and such, but I’m no Levite on that front…. NO, hahaha. I saw “Life In A Day”, the first one, and that was traumatic enough thank you, hehe. Still can’t get that image out of my head.

    1. Yeah well I have unfortunately seen “Faces of Death” AND “What the Health?” Grisly processes no matter how you slice it. (See what I did there?) Anyway…beef eater until I die. I’d love to see your childhood applications and how you spelled Marius! I think in ancient Sanskrit, XCP1CA IS actually how you spell Marius. Or maybe it’s in Roman numerals? Either way, the Holy Spirit (aka he of whom we do not speak) will help me spell it properly.

      1. Haha, yeah, and very apt! haha

        I think we actually might have a picture of it somewhere in the albums! It was awful, hahaha. I think I had a t or an f in there somewhere too, haha. If I can find one, I’ll DM you!

  4. Glad I’m not a parent yet I don’t think I could afford all the trips I’d need to take to Yeman 😂

  5. First.. I’d go with Junior Inquisitor over ‘The Questioner’ as the Junior Inquisitor has more dangerous consequences for queries not answered! See Wiki – Inquisition.

    Next, I have terrible news for you. It happens again, sometimes, with our parents! God forbid, if Dementia makes a visit to your parents’ minds, the same “What is?” scenarios often reoccur. 🙁

    The good news is, as you can’t destroy or scar them forever like your children, your answers can be varied!
    -Where are we going? Texas! You said you wanted to go to Texas
    -What is that? A testicular Fortitude checker
    -What’s your name? Abraham Lincoln – Remember? We went to school together!

    See? What fun and potential there is for us kids to get back at all the “Because I said so!” answers we were given as children!

  6. Ha! This reminds me of when my kids were little. “Why?” Was frequently followed by “Because Dad knows everything”. I knew I didn’t and they (mostly) knew I didn’t, but we all wrote it off as Dad’s quirky sense of humor and a good time was had by all.

    Asking questions and staying hungry to learn in voice-over? Don’t get me started. You don’t have enough room on your web server to handle to size of THAT email.

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