Indiana Phones and the Readers of the Lost Art

Voiceovers, Fedoras & Whips

IndianaPhones

A sense of Daring. A hunger for Adventure.

Snakes!  Tarantulas!  Guns!  Pits!  Rolling boulders the size of Tina Turner’s hair!

Voiceovers are an ongoing and fulfilling adventure.  Every day we are faced with incredible experiences, victories, defeats, challenges, successes, failures, opportunities both seized and missed, and confusing scripts that appear to have been written by some variant of primate.  Those voice talent that are diligent and persistent will be cast.  Those that are not will play Bejeweled and sit there only wishing for adventure, while I am out tomb raiding and collecting all the small, gold, angry-looking Aztecan relics all for myself.

When I unofficially started my voiceover adventure back in 1993, I had no fedora and no whip.  Now it is 2021.  Twenty-eight whole years later, and a lot has changed!

  • I have no fedora and no whip. (I said a lot has changed.  Not everything.  Please try and keep up.)
  • Back then I had a mic that I am fairly certain had the name “Mattel” emblazoned on it. Now I have one that says Sennheiser, and another one that says Neumann.
  • Back then I did voiceovers on the side. Now I do voiceovers with no other sides.  As an aside, the side has now become a non-side, with no side sides.  Are there any questions.
  • Currently I have a StudioBricks studio; back then I had what resembled a pillow fort that was made of pillows and was a fort.

Yes, a lot has changed.  When I started:

Since that time:

  • Bill Clinton did something naughty
  • Houston we have a problem (the problem of being deceased currently is without cure)
  • I truly do feel like every day I wake up to the same thing over and over again, except it is utterly delightful.

Voiceovers are a massive and never-ending adventure.

 

Bare-chested, Sweaty Voiceover Men with Hats and Whips

Do not worry; this is not that kind of website.  However please do enter your credit card number in the comments.

Indiana Jones

"Indiana Jones" by Jessica Finson is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

 

I am attempting, perhaps poorly, to paint a picture of Indiana Jones performing voiceovers.

Just think: Harrison Ford, People Magazine’s November 16, 1998 Sexiest Man Alive.  (I was unavailable as I was at Jr. High Summer Camp serving various 13-year-old Velociraptors lunch, so I can only assume they chose Harrison as a backup).

Harrison Ford played Indiana Jones.  He played Jack Ryan.  He even played Han Solo!  When you tell him you love him, he says “I know.”  You do not get much cooler than that, unless we are talking about El Macho in Despicable Me 2, dying in the most macho way possible: jumping out of an airplane riding a shark with 250 pounds of dynamite strapped to his chest into the mouth of an active volcano.  Macho.  When the Grim Reaper comes a-reapin', I wish to go the same way.

I want to be the most macho voiceover artist out there: not outdoing any of my compatriots, mind you, but riding a galloping horse, facing down tanks, cracking my whip, climbing sheer cliffs, jumping onto moving trucks, boarding a submarine, hanging onto an airplane for dear life, careening through underground roller coasters, beating down dozens of adversaries and rescuing my maid Marion, who, for the purposes of this blog, we will call Janine.  She will exclaim, “I love you!”  And I will say “I know”, as sexy voiceover sweat drips down my sexy voiceover face and onto my sexy exposed voiceover chest, down my sexy voiceover pantleg, down towards the electrical cables on the floor of my sexy voiceover studio, frying me from the toes up and shorting out all of Washington state.

Macho.

 

A Rolling Voice Talent Gathers No Moss

Stone, Down, Iceland, Grass, Boulder, Forest Moss

Used by permission from Ta-daam via Pixabay

 

Keep looking at VO as an adventure.  I do.  And sometimes I wake up laughing, because I cannot believe what I just got paid, or the adventure that I get to be part of every single day.  Sometimes I am blown away at the providence I witness.  I mention incredulity as one of my Secrets to Voiceover Success in an earlier blog that people everywhere hail as being the best thing you can read next to the Bible.  By people everywhere I mean my Mommy.

Incredulity is the pipeline to gratitude.  I just wrote that; look for bumper stickers to follow.

The truth is that we are all Indiana Phones.  We are all Readers of the Lost Art.

Keep on running, leaping, rolling, and gathering no moss on this adventure, because though the arrows fly over your head, spirits try to melt your face off, and some shaman is chanting “Kali maa shakti de”, it is a never-ending odyssey of intrigue and exhilaration, like when you watch Wheel of Fortune and you realize Vanna is about to pull that letter-spinning stunt, and you fall in love all over again.  Oh, Vanna.

By the way "Vanna" should always be at the top of the list of cool baby names.  Or if it is a boy, Nebuchadnezzar.

Part of the adventure in voiceovers is intentionally being a moving target for the Guns of Sloth.  Of the seven deadly sins (or 666 if you are Charles Manson) it is one of the worst.  To sit idly by while there is so much accomplishment to be had is a cardinal sin for the voice talent writing this blog.  Here I refer to myself:

  1. always on the move
  2. avoiding detection
  3. disallowing the snipers to train their crosshairs on me
  4. the writer of this blog

I keep on moving through constant marketing, frequent auditioning, endless strategy for improvement, and drinking a lot of Jolt Cola whilst receiving periodic electric shocks.  #ineedmyfix

Sloth is one of the seven deadly sins for a reason, and I do not mean because they only had six and felt they needed one more for good measure. The Bible mentions the wise woman of Proverbs 31 who does not eat the bread of idleness, and the foolish woman who consumes it.

I do eat bread.  Also it is the right kind of bread.  Also I am not a woman.

Best I Am Laughing GIFs | Gfycat

As the breadwinner for my family, I am compelled to provide.  To accomplish.  To set and hit goals.  I talk often of goals in any kind of voiceover teaching presentation I do, because I find them indispensable, much like John Hinckley Jr. found Jodie Foster indispensable and thus tried to dispense with Ronald Reagan.

There seems to be a whole lot of dispensing going on.

So let us dispense with foolishness and idleness, and get ourselves setting and hitting goals.  Let us produce.  Let us get going at full speed.  By full speed I mean Jolt Cola.  Whilst watching Vanna White.  Whilst pursuing voiceovers with every fiber of our being and the fire of a thousand suns behind us. Whilst receiving periodic shock treatments. Whilst saying "whilst" a lot.

Oh, Vanna.  What’s that?  You love me?  I know.

Darling, Gold Antique, Archaeology, Sculpture, Diamonds

Used by permission from Conmongt via Pixabay

 

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YouDidIt

YOU HAVE MADE IT ALL THE WAY TO THE END, AND I SALUTE YOU.

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Joshua Alexander
Seattle Voice Actor & Voiceover Artist for hire
josh@asupervoice.com
206.557.6690

19 thoughts on “Indiana Phones and the Readers of the Lost Art”

  1. LOL, “still no fedora and no whip”, was expecting that, but not 100% sure, hehe. It certainly does feel like the fire of a thousand suns when I have to catch up after loadshedding! haha. We had 4 outtages in less than 24hrs – nuts I tell you! haha. When the power comes back, it’s like indiana phones needs to get to the charger before gathering the moss as the boulder does it’s thing, haha.

    Hope you love the new phone btw! 😀 While I do prefer Android, it’s not the choice for everyone and you stuck with what works and that’s the best choice! 😀

    PS, I really want a velociraptor! The kind that would settle for dog food, but not dogs as food, like a certain dino from the series that will not be named. *Cough*, *cough*, T-Rex, *cough*, *cough*. Must be the thousand suns fire approaching, hehe.

    1. Watch out for those suns! Yes, I stuck with my iPhone. As the Great Prophet Steve Jobs said, “It’s insanely great. It’s magical. It just works.” It is true! It even wards off velociraptors, so if you find yourself whipless and fedoraless, you got this.

      1. I actually want one!! I’ve clearly picked the right phone too then! I picked a name for it: Chippy! 😀

        Alas, currently whipless and fedoraless – will just have to do with my Android Redmi and Chippy! CHAAAAAARGE! hehe.

  2. I love looking at voiceover as adventure! It IS! And it’s been amazing to meet many heroes (such as YOU!) along the way!

    Vanna’s been around since before I was born! And I strongly, strongly suspect she’ll be around long after I depart. And she’ll probably look the darn same for the entirety of whatever duration that is!

  3. An adventure, indeed! And it has become an even more enjoyable one since meeting you, my friend! Thanks for another fun read.

    Also, my credit care number is 7645 7998 44…hey, wait a minute, that was a joke, wasn’t it?

    *aside* For those who didn’t pick up on it, the above was sarcasm and that is in no way part of my actual card number. If it’s part of yours…well, sorry. Didn’t mean it.

    1. *Josh gets hacked repeatedly via credit card fraud due to Tyler inadvertently providing Josh’s entire credit card number*

      And you are welcome! My pleasure. Keep your own blogs a’comin!

  4. you have slayed it again Joshua! Nice work making me laugh uncontrollably. Heehee! I’m glad to be on this adventure with you..all of you in fact!

  5. Oh, the way your writing clouds and beguiles the mind with frivolities and the occasional non-sequitur! Then, as the reader lets their guard down and relaxes into blissful repose, you reveal your true intent.

    “Part of the adventure in voiceovers is intentionally being a moving target for the Guns of Sloth. Of the seven deadly sins (or 666 if you are Charles Manson) it is one of the worst. To sit idly by while there is so much accomplishment to be had is a cardinal sin…”

    You hit me with this one, my friend. I succumb to your well aimed dart of challenge, retreat to my lair to heal, and plot my next opportunity to return the favor.

    1. Heal well! And may you spring to life from your lair, like Gmork springing forth to pounce upon Atreyu and tear into his flesh! I mean…may you tear into the flesh of voiceovers! I mean…well I am not sure what I mean. Perhaps I have been overly non-sequiturious.

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