...and Planet Earth would never be the same again.
Open Your Mind to Me, Quaid.
You know him! You love him! Let me start over.
You only just know him and do not even wish to! That squishy little belly mutant protruding out of some dude's tummy in Paul Verhoeven's 1990's smash hit, Total Recall. I remember seeing that hernia-like Muppet protrude from Marshall Bell's abdomen, and I experienced a pain I could not locate. I have truthfully never been more afraid of a psychic, a Muppet or a psychic Muppet.
Now, I know what you are thinking. Whenever you think about the past, it just brings back so many memories. There, there. I hear you, and I understand. Every time I think about the future, my brain melts, and all I can manage to vocalize is “nougat.” I do not know why this is. I thought we were sharing.
I recently heard a joke. An elderly lady named Betty had a bad memory. Betty lamented to her elderly friend Marcia, “My memory is so bad!” Marcia responded sympathetically, “Oh no! How bad is it?” To which Betty responded, “How bad is what?”
The past does bring back many memories. But it was in the past that the most glorious thing happened. You see, a long, long time ago, Thinking was invented, and Planet Earth would never be the same again. It is this glorious gift that enables us to do calculus and not fall down. Also that helps us to withstand the evil thing that is called schoolchildren practicing the violin. Also episodes of The View.
Apparently, the human species would have gone on mindlessly staggering around like slow pinball zombies had God not intervened and said, and I quote, “Knock it off, stupids.” And it was at that precise moment, that the gracious gift of thought, rationale and reason were generously imparted to all humans everywhere, except those who drive on roads. I will be here when you come back from clicking that link.
Good to see you again.
True, some things are not thinking issues - you do not have to think about them:
- The Wall Street journal recently had an article entitled “Should You Really Shower Every Day?” I am sorry but this is not a question. No reasoning human born with a nose will want me to be asking myself such a poppycock question, as it is in the planet’s best interest that I always wash off my yesterday.
- Injecting yourself with bleach. I do not need to expound on this.
- Not jumping into the path of a combine. Violators who do this usually miss lunch.
- In the event that you and a friend should encounter a bear, make sure that you always carry packets of seasoning with you in order to sprinkle over your friend as you run, making them delectable while you get away. Also make sure you can run faster because right about now your friend will start pursuing you too.
- Never eat spaghetti with crushed Oreos in it, because, ew.
These are all obvious to members of the human race who possess a cerebellum.
If I Only Had A Brain
Some people clearly do not think about what they say, think, or do. All one needs to do is to turn on the news. To illustrate my point, I have compiled several instances where people have clearly not been thinking. These are actual and true (which means actual) stories. They make me questionably proud to be part of the same species. Enjoy.
- Pilot to Maintenance Worker on maintenance report: “Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.” Maintenance Worker to Pilot: “Almost replaced inside main tire."
- A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
- One more Pilot to arguably the same Maintenance worker: “Number 3 engine missing.” Maintenance Worker to Pilot: “Engine found on right wing after brief search.”
- The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits. I am confused.
- Another Pilot to arguably the same Maintenance worker: “Something loose in cockpit.” Maintenance Worker to Pilot: “Something tightened in cockpit."
- Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
- When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
- And yet another Pilot to arguably the same Maintenance worker: “Evidence of leak on right main landing gear." Maintenance Worker to Pilot: “Evidence removed."
- A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
- As illustrated in last week’s blog, a man is suing Smart Water for not making him smart. As such I would also like to join the growing ranks of those formally announcing their lawsuits against Thin Mints.
Raise your hand if you are proud to be a fellow human.
The Think Bone’s Connected To The…Success Bone
So how does this apply to Voice Talents, you ask. I am assuming you just asked.
As the proverb goes, "As a man thinketh, so he is." Always think about what you are going to say, do and even think.
What you SAY clearly matters:
- Clearly I preach truth here, because you are a voiceover artist.
- Your voice has the power to make people think. Use it wisely.
- Clearly, what you say does matter. So say correct things. Your clients are watching you.
- By the way there is no such word as irregardless, which actually means "with full regard to." Stop that, irregardless of whether or not you think it is right or not, regardless.
What you DO clearly matters:
- Clearly, you have a reputation to uphold in voiceovers, and people are watching you.
- Do not think that you should skip coaching, rent that overpriced studio space or spend a fortune on expensive VO hardware without solid education.
- Also please stop posting foodies and politics. No one likes spaghetti with Oreos, and we all voted for the other guy.
- Clearly, what you do does matter.
- Oh - and never hang up when you are on hold, because your call will have been answered in the order it was received, and you were next. Your call is very important to them!
What you THINK clearly matters:
- What do you think about yourself, and others?
- Are you beating yourself up because you’re not as good as Ms. So & So Voiceover Gal?
- Are you punishing yourself because you did not get that VO job you longed for?
- Do you persist in telling yourself you do not have what it takes?
- Are you trying to do calculus but keep falling down? Stop. No one uses calculus anyway - the last known usage was in 1836 in the recipe for Play-Doh, which is apparently evil.
- Think about your goals.
- Think about what you want your future in voiceovers to be like.
- Think about each script and how you should deliver it.
- Clearly, what you think matters, so use your head. In business, in life, in all of it...use your head.
The point here with all these - and please never, ever forget this all-encompassing truth - is that I overuse the word “clearly”.
At least, I think so.
Final Bullet Points:
- Like this blog? My children are counting on you to put bread on our table through the purchase of one of my books. By the way, low-guilt-trip sales pushes are my specialty
- NOTE: This blog is purely for commentary / educational / entertainment purposes. I make no money from these blogs; though I do not refuse large cash gifts if it means I can pretend I'm a church
- Check out my whole UNIVERSE of blogs right HERE!
- This is a fourth bullet point.
AND HEY! WAIT JUST A S.E.C.!
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Seattle Voice Actor & Voiceover Artist for hire